my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
