I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Randomize
