i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Are we still banned from the library?
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
