I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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