Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
