She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
