Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
