you guys were way drunker than both of me
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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