im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
where are you?
Hypothermia
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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