Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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