This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
