Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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