I want to stick my p in your. b.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
