I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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