Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
