i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
He called his prostate his "boner button".
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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