I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Randomize
