I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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