Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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