can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
