he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
