You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
