also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
