How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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