I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
