What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
