Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
