1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
