As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
