Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
