Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
