Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
