I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
