Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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