There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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