I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
