yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
