That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
