And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
