Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I look better un-naked...
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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