Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
