someone threw a dead crab at me
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
