My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
