my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
NoShamevember. You game?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Brb crying the tears of my youth
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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