I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
