i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
