I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
