I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
