i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
