She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
