Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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