he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
